A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”
Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: "My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!"
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“