Deadpool jokes

Weasel: Last but not least..

Peter: Peter

Deadpool: Any power you wanna tell us about?

Peter: I don't .. I don't have one, um I just saw the ad

Deadpool: You're in

26

Deadpool: Your bullets, they are really fast

22

Calbel: You're no fucking here, you  are just a clown, dressup as a sextoy

Deadpool: So dark, you sure you are not from the DC Universe

87

Deadpool: And that's why "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" is pure pornography.

Dopinder: Wow!

Domino: I really should have stayed in college...

39

Cable: Time's up, you dumb fuck.

Deadpool: Well, that's just lazy writing.

49

So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs.

15

Recruiter: Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit "fuck it."

Wade Wilson: Just promise you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else.

Recruiter: Of course.

Wade Wilson: And please don't make the super-suit green. Or animated.

1

Vanessa Carlysle: Hey, hands off the merchandise.

Wade Wilson: Merchandise? Huh... so you uh, bump fuzzies for money?

Vanessa Carlysle: Yep.

Wade Wilson: Rough childhood?

Vanessa Carlysle: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.

Wade Wilson: Daddy left before I was conceived.

Vanessa Carlysle: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?

Wade Wilson: Where else do you put one out?

Vanessa Carlysle: I was molested!

Wade Wilson: Me too. Uncle.

Vanessa Carlysle: Uncles. They took turns.

Wade Wilson: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happened to be my...

Vanessa Carlysle: Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.

Wade Wilson: [Gasps] You had a dishwasher. I didn't even known sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.

Vanessa Carlysle: [laughs] Who would do such a thing?

Wade Wilson: Hopefully you. Later tonight? Hey, what can I get for $275 and uh... a Yogurtlands reward card?

Vanessa Carlysle: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. And a low-fat dessert.

[Puts card in his mouth]

1

Weasel: Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?

Deadpool: I'd love to get a Blow Job.

Weasel: Oh, God, me too.

Deadpool: The drink, moose knuckle, But first...

Weasel: All right, Kahlua, Bailey's and whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?

Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?